TRIJITA

(for elisabet velasquez, whose name i faltered with.)

I began when my Dadu named me.
A name of three syllables
That i had forgotten to pronounce
By the time i grew up,
Because i had heard so many variations--
Srijita?
Trijeeta?
Trajita?
Trijata?

Men, when they have heard my name
Would remind me that Trijata was a rakshasni.
I would correct them and say it means
The one who has won the three worlds-
Swarg, marta, patal.
I had to justify my existence to them,
I could not be a demoness.

Men who have made love to me
Have chosen to call me by different names
Because three syllables
is too much to remember
When all your blood
Is flowing to your penis.

My hindi teacher in class V
Reminded me the meaning of my name
And said, "but you havent
been able to win over any of us."--
One of my earliest memories of school.

I have no attachment to my name.
I preferred to be called tatun-
A more mundane name given to me by my parents.
A better name for friends
To shout from their car windows.
A shorter name for men to call out loud
As they come into me.

But here is an act of self defiance,
An act, of self love.
Trijita-- the one who won over herself.